Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Crying Alone in Pain

Matthew Murray is the individual behind the shooting. There are many sides of this story. Individuals are talking and debating about gun laws. There are groups who are talking about the heroism of Assam who shot and killed him. He had over 1,000 rounds of ammunition (who knows how much pain and damage he could have done ). Then there are some who are posting and blogging about the fact that he posted on forums about what he was about to do. They include the following lines:

I'm coming for EVERYONE soon and I WILL be armed . . . And I WILL shoot to kill . . . All I want to do is kill and injure as many of you . . . as I can especially Christians who are to blame for most of the problems in the world

I want to take a look at the poem that he wrote. There is some "bad language" and thought process in the poem. JUST A WARNING

Crying Alone in Pain (in the nightmare of Christianity)

Crying all alone in pain...losing all reserve….I can't wake up out of this nightmare........ Insane? Am I the only mother f***** with a brain?........

Maze...psychopathic daze...I create this waste
Back away from tangents, on the verge of drastic
ways...can't escape this place...I deny your face
Sweat gets in my eyes, I think I'm slowly dying

put me in a homemade cellar
put me in a hole for shelter
someone find me please, all I see is hate
I can hardly breathe and I can hardly take it!

lost...ran at my own cost...hearing laughter, scoffed
learning from the rush, detached from such and such
bleak...all around me, weak...listening, incomplete
I am not a dog, but I'm the one your dogging……

I am crying here in a buried kennel
I have never felt so final
Someone help me please, losing all reserve
I am f***ing gone, I think I'm fu**ing dying

You all stare, but you'll never see
There is something inside me......

Cut me! beat me! molest me! abuse me! @#%$ me! hate me! break me! Rape me! kill me! show me! Here is my purity……
Enter this nightmare…..I am willing and able and never any danger to myself
Knowledge in my pain, knowledge in my pain, just....@#%$ acknowledge all my pain, acknowledge all my

pain.....knowledge in my pain......
Or was my tolerance a phase?
Empathy! out of my way!
I can't die.....I can't die.....I can't die.....trancing out into another dark reality as the pain

fades away....my purity.....
You all stare, but you'll never see
There is something in you I despise.....
have you ever seen God?......have you ever seen God?!
have you ever......

Those words tear me up. I am not sure what the answer is folks. However, I will tell you that there are a lot of people in this world that are hurting and screaming. We need to hear their voices and try to help.

I am not sure how many attempted to reach out and I am not sure if he was willing to receive help or if he even realized that he may have needed it.

This could be a wrong perspective on my part and I might be using this to beat a dead horse or draw wrong conclusions to point to an issue that I want to stress ... so take the following through whatever lens that you want to see it through or filter it through.

We, Christians, need to keep our eyes and ears open to what is occurring around us. We, as churches, really need to see what our purpose and priorities are and make sure that while we are reaching for the stars that there are those around us falling through the cracks screaming and we are deaf to their screams.


Anonymous said...

This story caught my attention on Sunday morning because it began at a YWAM base. Just about every believer in my town has been or is with YWAM. What struck me then, and gets me even more now that I have read the poem you posted, is his huge pain that may very well have been provoked/caused by those who claim to be Christians. (I'm not criticizing YWAM here, or any particular group.) I look at the abuse and hatred I went through from various denominations and Christian schools, and see the baggage I have. To see my story and to wonder about his story just makes my heart sad. I wonder what would have happened if someone had reached out to him, maybe even apologizing on behalf of whatever group hurt him so badly. I could go on and on......but it boils down to this.....we just really need to love each other and stop judging and being so hateful when looking at our differences. Goodness, my heart hurts. Sara Orange

Rick Gibson said...

Like the previous commenter, I'm not criticizing YWAM, or any particular group. I don't know the whole story or whether the accusation is true, but based on Matthew Murray's posts and poem, he certainly felt that Christianity had caused him great harm. It is an occasion for us to step back and take a look at ourselves. Roger Williams once said the "Forcing of the conscience is soul-rape." That is to use fear, coersion, power, or other forms of manipulation to get someone to agree with your beliefs was wrong and harmful; we need to be careful towards those we consider to be saved already as well. Maybe that is why Jesus said not to Lord it over one another, and to leave such changes to the Spirit. Just some initial thoughts.

Dale Sheehy said...

Great thoughts Jeff, I believe that too often we either are unaware or ignore the pain of people right around us. Sometimes it's just because of ignorance, not paying attention or being naive, but then there are times we don't want to know because we're too busy and it would be too much of an inconvenience (guilty as charged.) We too often ask "how are you?" yet don't really want to know.

Jeff Greathouse said...


Thanks for commenting and placing this in the comment:

but it boils down to this.....we just really need to love each other and stop judging and being so hateful when looking at our differences.


Thanks for dropping a few lines. I think that you are right that this gives us an opportunity to reflect.


You are right. Someway, somehow we have to learn to "create" time and we must not see them as "inconveniences". BTW, I want some donuts.

grace said...

I think you've expressed some of the issues behind all of this really well. I've still been thinking about this young man and some of the other young men involved in other shootings.

As you said, the point isn't necessarily blaming YWAM or anyone else, but rather looking at what contributed to the pain and anger in his life. Likely mental illness was also a factor, which leads to looking at how we deal with mental illness, especially in young people and, for us, especially in the church.

DaveO said...

Thanks for posting these words.
It does not appear that Matthew created them but quoted them from a song by Slipknot called, "Purity." In other words, the problem is far larger than one person.

Matthew struggled with what he saw as bondage and un-love in a spiritual system based on performance. His frustration and pain overflowed to violence. I don't think we can establish firm cause-and-effect links, but we do need to note the relationship between a system based on behavior modification and feelings of failure and lack of acceptance.

The true gospel is a message of love, in spite of performance and behavior, and the gift of righteousness and acceptance to those who could never deserve it.

Dave Orrison

Jeff Greathouse said...


Thanks for the information. It does not surprise me that it is a song. A lot of times, people find meanings and what they are feeling in a song.

James said...

From the perspective of a non-Christian, I just want to say that we do not want to have Christians reach out to us. One of the most aggravating things in the world is having to deal with preaching after having grown up in and discarded Christianity, for whatever reason. I understand your intent, and it is good, if misguided. The honest truth however, is that for a person who does not believe in any god, and is especially rejecting the Judeo-Christian god, being reached out to by Christians can be even more inflamitory. What someone like that needs is to talk to other people who share their dislike of Christianity, or at least lack of belief. People who are much more stable, who can talk the other out of rash actions without offending his decision regarding religion.

I understand that many Christians feel obligated to add an attempt at conversion to their "reaching out". Try to avoid doing that to someone who they feel may be in a similar situation as Murray, if you must reach out to them at all. Relate to them as a person, not as a believer.

Jeff Greathouse said...


I fully agree with you. I have numerous family members who do not believe in God or do not hold to Christianity for whatever reason.

I was not saying to do this to "convert" them. I was speaking more (to certain people who read this blog) that they should show love, compassion, be kind, be gentle and do not "throw stones" at them or look down.

If you still disagree, that is perfectly fine. I appreciate your thoughts and your willingness to take time to jot down thoughts because it is words that need to be heard.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I was homeschooled, ran sound, and was repeatedly molested in YWAM and the Assemblies of God...

I don't blame this kid - the government is letting these people molest their kids.

Unfortunately, it had the opposite effect that he intended, their membership increased.

I wonder if he even did it, honestly.

One of the victims of one of the many men who molested me, out of 30, is the hiring manager for my city - and they're still in love with him. That way, they can control the police, fire, etc...

YWAM is not Christian, it's a cult.